I have always hated garden gnomes. I’ve viewed them as prototypical objects of American kitsch along with howling coyotes in any form (if you are from the Southwest you know exactly what I mean), chainsaw bears with a “Wipe Yer Paws†sign (if you live in the mountains), and the eternal syrup–foisted on every women in the 30s-80s demographic who reads shelter or women’s magazines– of Thomas Kinkade, “Painter of Lightâ€. However, Ikea changed my mind (slightly).Â
I was in Arizona visiting family and friends this last April and made a trip to the Ikea store outside Tempe. I don’t care if liking Ikea is not cool—I have never seen so many reasonably priced, well designed things in one place (of course, the fact that it is the size of a super Wal-Mart stacked 3 stories high might have something to do with that). We were ending our tour on the bottom floor with the garden items when I noticed the Ikea version of the garden gnome—stylized, modern, and unnoticed at the time—completely phallic. I thought it was so cute, clever, and subversive I considered buying it for my best friends in my neighborhood, but didn’t because I was unsure I could get more than one home in one piece (it’s terracotta). I’m quite sure my husband, or my brother, must have made some type of passing comment on the connotations of said gnome before I purchased it–given that neither one is known to let a dirty joke opportunity slide by—but I must have ignored them (quite possible).
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When I got home, I proudly displayed the gnome on my front porch. I noticed my neighbors directly across from me—who I know to be Ikea fans—were out on their porch with some other neighbors, so I took the gnome over to show them. I held up the gnome and said “Isn’t this fun, it’s a modern, stylized garden gnome!â€, which was greeted with a pause, then titters. My neighbor replied “You might want to paint a face on itâ€, at which time I realized in a rush exactly what the gnome looked like (which I had apparently been suppressing or ignoring), and quipped “Good thing I didn’t get one for (my best neighbor friends) thenâ€. They are a lesbian couple.Â
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All of my neighbors now give me shit about the gnome, but I refuse to remove it. I don’t care if it looks like a penis (perhaps in true Freudian manner that is what attracted me), it’s staying on my front porch. Hail Ikea!
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