My best friend is getting married to a wonderful guy, which is great and we’re all really excited.  This however, means I will be the “matron of honor”.  I loathe with a passion the word “matron”.  Words have power because their connotations say something about their underlying cultural assumptions.  My title of my position in the wedding changes based upon if I’m married or not.  “Maid of honor” if I’m not married, and “Matron of honor” if I am.  Now, the title of “Best Man” doesn’t change based on the participant’s marital status, why does mine?  Why does it matter if I’m married or not?  I was discussing this with my husband and he asked, “What do they call you if you’re divorced?” which is a good question so I looked it up.  Apparently if you’ve ever been married you are still a “matron”.  My guess as to the etiology behind this arrangement is the historic cultural (and religious) obsession with women’s virginity.  I guess everyone needs to know if I’ve gotten some in my life (putting aside the idea of course, that you don’t need to be married to do the deed, presumably had I done so I would have been stoned to death).  My new suggestion for this position: “Best Woman”. 

There are so many “traditions” in a wedding ceremony that have misogynistic roots in the cult of virginity (hello, white dress!, the “giving away” i.e. “this is property I pass to another man”).  At my wedding both my parents walked with me down the aisle, and you can bet I made sure the words “honor and obey” weren’t included.

A sampling of the things my 5 year old said this weekend:

Daughter: “Mom can you stuff someone down a toilet?

Me: No honey

Daughter: “what if you cut them up?”

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Daughter: “What happens if you shoot someone?”

Me: “You go to jail”

Daughter: “What happens if you stab someone”

Me: “You go to jail”  I turn around and look at her,

       “Why are you asking?”

She hasn’t watched any violent TV so I don’t know where it’s coming from, but it’s a little freaky.  

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At the dinner table on Mother’s Day with my husband’s extended family including his 90 year old grandmother

“Daddy, is Fuck a bad word?”

Then later in the bathroom to me: “Mom, why is fuck a bad word?, why is any word bad?”  Which prompted an interesting discussion about why some words are bad and some aren’t.

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And an amusing exchange:

“Mom can I pick out my own clothes?”

“Yes, within reason”

“As long as they’re not tacky right?”

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And more from today:

NPR had a bit about people putting isolated musical pieces (like a bass line or drum line) on the internet and strangers adding thier own selections (like vocals) to create songs.  I thought that was pretty neat.  So I commented to my daughter,

“Wow, you are so lucky to be born now, the technology you’re going to have is going to be amazing”

to which she replied

“I want a gecko”.

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I was talking to her about how my best friend had the nicest dog growing up:

Daughter: “What happened to her?”

Me: “She died honey”

Daughter: “Why?”

Me: “She just got old”

Daughter: “If I had the corpse I might be able to do something about that”.

No more Scooby Doo for her!

 

I was talking with a neighbor the other day who is currently selling her house.  I asked her how it was going as the market in Denver is really crappy at the moment.  She sighed and explained many of the people coming to look at her home complained about several different things, and made the very astute observation “people either get it [new urbanism] or they don’t”, which is totally true. 

Purchasing a home is generally the largest investment people ever make.  Investing a large sum of money tends to make people (understandably) highly cautious, they often purchase a home with an eye towards resale: will other people like/buy my home in the future?  Hence the dominance of beige in the suburbs, it appeals to the widest variety of people and is non offensive (but, alas, also crushingly boring).  It takes someone with guts to make the biggest investment of their lives in something different.

I’ve been having a conversation via email for months with a couple who’s interested in my neighborhood, they drove in and loved it, but their real estate agent at the time advised them against it, apparently saying the schools in our area aren’t very good (not true at all) and that mixed-use developments don’t do well with resale (also not true at all, average price per square foot in my neighborhood is $40 higher than the bordering traditional beige neighborhood–that should tell you something!); this bias with real estate agents and new urbanism is encountered again and again–many of them just don’t get it.  The following things are the ones people have told me (or I’ve heard second hand from realtors) that freak potential buyers out about my new urbanist neighborhood.

1. Small Yards.

This is absolutely number one on the list.  Yes, our yards are smaller–most yards in new urbanist neighborhood are.  This is so there is more room for public green spaces such as parks, which you personally don’t have to maintain and in which you actually will interact with your neighbors.  Think about the yards you usually see in vast majority of suburbia, what do they look like, and how much of them really get used? 

Right now we’re in the process of looking at houses close to mine for my sister-in-law, yesterday we went to a couple of open houses in traditional, suburban subdivisions.  They all had huge front and back lawns, and of what?  A large swath of chemical and water sucking Kentucky blue grass lawn that will take ages and significant amounts of cash to mow, trim, water, and feed.  All the yards we saw pretty much looked like grass deserts, totally boring with no character save perhaps a few stunted shrubs or trees.  Now, I know not everyone is a gardener so I’m trying not to be snotty, but why spend a bunch of time and money on something you aren’t really going to use? 

In my prior home in a standard beige subdivision, we had a 12,000 square foot lot. When my husband and I thought about how much of our lawn got actually used, we had to admit the only thing that did get used on a regular basis was our 30 x 30 foot deck.  The rest of the enormous lawn just sucked money, time, and natural resources.  I am frequently asked if I miss having a large yard, and I can honestly answer Not. One. Bit.  Every neighbor I’ve asked about this has said the same thing–small yards free up time and money, and allow you to maintain wonderful little gardens with tons of character.  Bigger is not always better.

The small yard thing seems to always translate into: not good for kids, families won’t want to buy houses there.  Totally untrue.  My neighborhood is predominately families, the yards are plenty big enough for kids to play in, and they have the benefit of wonderful pocket parks all through the neighborhood.  Kids don’t need 10,000 square feet of half dead scraggly grass to have a place to play–I don’t have any grass in my backyard and my daughter entertains herself quite happily on our deck. If we want grass we go to the park which I don’t have to mow, trim, fertilize, or water (well, I do pay for a portion of that with our HOA fees, but I don’t personally have to do anything).

2. The houses are close together.

Houses are closer together in new urbanist communities because of smaller lots, and because of higher density.  This freaks people out.  Yes, my neighbor is close, and no, it’s never been a problem, the opposite in fact.  I actually want to see my neighbors, so it works for me.  However, I am the type of person who would leave their door wide open all day long for people to walk in and out (and this does happen here in the summer) and I love it, I like people around, all the time.  This is not to say I don’t have privacy, if I want it, I just go in the house.  If you aren’t social and don’t want to talk to your neighbors, a new urbanist neighborhood isn’t for you.  There are houses in my neighborhood that ostensibly have owners, but I’ve never actually seen evidence of them.  I don’t get that but it’s a free country.

3. The houses aren’t all beige.

One particularly adventurous neighbor here in Bradburn Village has painted their large farmhouse eye popping canary yellow.  I love it, but one of my favorite colors is chartreuse so that should tell you something. Bright, different colors don’t suit everyone’s taste, and it’s your American right to live in a bland, non-offensive, boring as hell 18 shades of beige neighborhood if that’s your preference, just like when you go to buy ice cream you can choose to order plain vanilla with nothing on it.  Many, but not all new urbanist neighborhood feature strong, bold colors–keeps things from being boring. And my house?  Screaming yellow.