The Not So Bright Burmese Python

In college I worked in a pet store and spent some time managing the reptile section.  This occasioned a multitude of interesting situations, probably the most interesting/crazy was the extraction of a 6 foot beach towel from a 12 foot Burmese python.

One bright morning (every morning is bright in Phoenix, Arizona) a lovely young teenage girl and her very nice mother came into the store and asked about the care and feeding of Burmese pythons.  It seems the young girl had purchased a Burmese python from her biology teacher who could no longer keep it.  Let me give you a few details about this particular species.  First, they are huge.  I mean HUGE.  Females can easily reach 15-20 feet and a girth of more than a foot.  Males are smaller but still huge (10-15 feet).  This huge, muscular body is ruled by a brain the size of a nut.  They are beautiful but potentially dangerous snakes and they defecate like a horse.

I spent a long time talking to mom and daughter about safety (never feed animal by yourself, NEVER), and what type of cage he would need, how snakes are ecothermic and need a heat source to digest their food and keep up their immune system.  They got what we in the reptile industry refer to as the “deader is better” speech–captive snakes should be fed dead rodents off tongs instead of live rodents which (believe it or not) can inflict significant bite damage to snakes.  Nice mom and daughter buy book on Burmese and one large frozen rat (which I instructed them to thaw out in a plastic bag floating in hot water–just like pork chops!, yes the reptile world is odd).

30 minutes later the phone rings and it’s nice mom who in a panicked voice says they thawed out the rat and dropped it in the cage and the snake missed it and grabbed the towel they had put inside the cage to keep the snake warm instead.  Putting aside my urge to point out blankets don’t work for animals that don’t generate their own body heat, I told nice mom to watch the snake and once he released the towel from his “death bite” he’ll sniff around and realize it’s not food and let it go.  She says thanks and hangs up.  Phone rings again a few minutes later and it’s nice mom again. I overestimated the brain power of their Burmese.  “He’s swallowing the towel!!  What should we do???”.  I advised her to take the snake to an emergency vet because if he succeeds in swallowing the towel it will cause a deadly impaction and will have to be surgically removed.  She says “Oh Crap!”, hangs up.

A few minutes later I hear screaming tires in the parking lot and look out the door to see now wild-haired, wild-eyed nice mom, nice teenager, nice brother, and nice father bolting out of a minivan, the back of which contains the not so bright, towel consuming Burmese python.  Mom runs in and says they didn’t have enough time to get to vet and that we were closer is there anything we can do???  I thought for a minute and had what is colloquially referred to as “an epiphany”.

A few days ago I had read an article in one of the reptile hobby magazines about big snake bites (”big” means larger than 6 feet and greater around than 6 inches).  The article was interesting–albeit horrific–and had a large picture of a python skull clearly showing its large, recurved–Jesus you don’t want that thing to bite you–teeth.  I realized the only thing preventing us from pulling the towel out was the fact the teeth pointed backward (evolutionarily speaking you don’t want your prey backing out of your mouth while you are swallowing it, hence this adaptation).  I grabbed a snake hook, which is like a golf club with a large metal hook on the end instead of a flattened head, and rushed outside.  If J.J. Abrams were directing this scene this is where the slow motion running would come in. 

I directed another employee to hold the snake’s  head (it took him both hands and they didn’t touch if that gives you an idea of this thing’s size), slipped the metal bar between the snake’s top teeth and the towel, and pulled the towel right out.  Nice mom and daughter are crying happy and nice dad gives me 20 bucks (not necessary but nice).  I fake blow smoke off the top of the snake hook and saunter back into the store (kidding, I just walked back in with the slimy hook and washed it). 

So kids, the moral of the story is: learn the basic anatomy of your pets in case you are ever called upon to extract something from them.